Sometimes I try so hard to feel something I almost make myself sick. It's not to say that I don't feel, that would be inhuman, I can say it's hard for me to feel specific things. It easily starts out as a single emotion though, joy, sorrow, humility, etc...but it quickly becomes a cluster-fuck of everything. Often time I find myself not knowing where it all started.

I've never been as in tuned with my emotions as I like. For who-knows-how-long-now I've relied on poetry and music to guide my emotions since I am seemingly unable to guide them myself. It's all too often that I find myself hard hearted (perhaps more along the lines of emotionally stunted?) when I should be pouring my heart out. Then I watch a show or movie or whatever and their emotions tend to bring out my own. It's all too often that I get teary-eyed watching other people. What kills me is not knowing if they are guiding my emotions, or if I want to cry because I am jealous that they are able to feel how they should be feeling.

As previously stated, I'm a cluster-fuck of emotions. I make no denials about that. There they are, all bottled up waiting for the right time (or possibly the wrong time) to explode. Perhaps I just don't know what I want, or more accurately, what I want to feel. But that's just the thing. I want to feel! And not just sad, or happy, or whatever, I want to feel alive. Maybe that's why I cry when others cry, maybe I am just jealous. Jealous that they are crying because their fight for whatever it is they're fighting for, is more real than nearly anything I've fought for.

So what does that say about me? While a part of me wants to say that "it means I'm a superficial bastard who tends to be jealous of others sorrow because I desperately wish my sorrow has some validation or conviction." I think it just means that I'm a troubled soul with Daddy issues. But then again, who the fuck isn't?

I'm getting ahead of myself here. My father is not the problem, for the most part he hardly matters anymore. The problem is me, and my wanting to feel something real. I think it boils down to the same shit, I'm still unsatisfied, I still want more. I don't mean more of a challenge, just more fulfillment from the challenges that I am already facing. Then again, it's very likely that now instead of getting ahead of myself, I'm getting ahead of my life.

I find myself bored. I can't help but shake the feeling of being under-stimulated. This is not to imply that I am, by any means. unhappy. It's quite the opposite to be honest. I FINALLY have a steady job, my love life has significantly improved from previous relationships, and for the first time in a long time, I am genuinely happy with where things are going. However I'm still haunted with a disturbing feeling of boredom.

I feel unstimulated, not in a physical or even educational sense, but on a more philosophical sense. Perhaps I can be more clear on this... I am reluctant to consider myself a person searching for the meaning of life. Truth is, such an answer would serve me no purpose. It wouldn't help me understand things, more like end everything. To know the meaning of life is like having a "God mode" cheat code enabled. No matter how you play the game, there's no challenge, there's barely mystery because you already know the answer to an ultimate question. It's like knowing the response to "what is the answer to the universe?" (a question, which "in and of itself," is fucking stupid). What good is an answer that leaves so many questions unfulfilled? But I digress. As I was saying, it serves me no purpose to know the meaning of life especially considering I am far more interested in knowing "why do we want to know the meaning of life?"

As I've said, I feel unstimulated. There are so many questions that I have which have no easy answer. I'm bored with school because it doesn't truly stimulate me. Think about it, school primarily tests your ability to retain information. You are taught something, then asked to repeat said things on your own. Usually you're not required to understand why these things are taught or needed to be learned or even how some questions are answered, (Some college classes do tend to disprove this theory, but not enough of them) they kind of just "are." If I were to follow this train of thought I guess I'm looking for more of a sociological satisfaction. Perhaps something that can't quite be answered in a classroom, but by studying humanity as a whole (or as individual systems collaborating for a larger mass.) Maybe I don't even know what the hell I'm looking for.

I guess I just have to appreciate the irony of achieving one of the happiest times of my life but still wanting more. Maybe it's just greed, maybe we're programmed to be greedy, to never be satisfied, to always want more. I blame consumerism. All in all it doesn't matter who's to blame. It makes no sense to displace what I feel. The absolute answer could never be as good as understanding why anyway.

I'm bringing Xanga back - drop a comment if you're with me!